An Inner Battle of Sorts

I'm currently fighting an inner battle about my current job situation. My previous contract position ended last week and I now have two offers for new positions on the table: Job A is a higher level position but requires four days a week in Chicago for at least one year; Job B is along the same lines as I was doing but working from home.

Sure, many might think "But dear, you're married, why would you want to be gone four days a week?" Because Job A presents a fantastic opportunity to gain awesome experience and exposure. Hubby's being as supportive as he can, but of course it's hard for him to be happy about it. Especially when Job B would allow me to work from home -- and the pay would be about the same.

Job B would be perfect for raising a family. And I tend to be a bit of a hermit and kind of relish the idea of working in my pjs. But will I gain enough to advance later in life?

My old boss says I need to figure out what I want out of life. He's the kind of person that lives to work. I think I work to live. The idea of Chicago is exciting -- but I know the glamour would wear off in a month or so. I would miss hubby. But would I regret not taking it later? Do I want the corporate career, the 8-6 schedule, wearing suits, networking with the company's elite?

Or do I want to have time to breathe during the day, enjoying life outside of work, having the opportunity to start a family sooner rather than later? We've been talking about building a new house, one that we can raise a family in, and that's exciting too. And I've always wanted more time that I can spend volunteering like I used to -- Job B would allow that. Flexibility is a rare gift these days.

Some say that I'm young, take the job in Chicago, it's a great career move. Others say I'm young, newly married and it would be too hard on the marriage. Then there's those who believe career will always be there later, so choose your marriage/family first.

I visited Chicago last week -- I do love big cities. But, the things that make Chicago wonderful are things I wouldn't experience because I'd be working or flying home. If the job was writing for a magazine, then I would sign the papers and hubby would back me 110%. But Job A is not my dream job and he knows that.

So I sit here now. Wide awake just like last night, and the night before. I'm waiting for a sign, it seems -- a huge blinking arrow that will fall from the sky and point me in the right direction.

Taking the Cow out of "Cowboys Cheerleaders"

Hubby's out of town, so I'm curled up on the couch, watching Chick TV, munching on handfuls of chocolate. Which is great fun until I get warped into watching shows like "Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders", a reality show on CMT following the cheerleaders from tryouts to their first game.

I will admit I was enjoying the show. That is until they cut a girl from training camp because she was "fat". This girl weighed less than me, looked great in tiny spandex shorts, had a beautiful face, but neglected to have the washboards abs the coach was looking for.

Extremely frustrating. She was an AMAZING dancer. Even the coach said her technical skills were the best of the group. So why was she cut? I thought the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders were supposed to be great role models. But by cutting the "fat" girl on national television, the coach is sending the message that America would rather watch a so-so dancer with washboard abs, than an elegant and amazing performer with a slightly softer middle.

It's shallow. And disgusting. I thought beauty rested in the overall woman, not just the midsection.

Tick Tock to the Boat Dock

Today has been a long day. Not really due to work, more like I just want to get outside and enjoy the beautiful weather. Last week at work was a doozy, let me tell ya. But today, the minutes have seemed to flow like molasses, a thick oozing of time that won't release my butt from this chair. Or my hands from this keyboard. My eyes from this screen. Tiiiiiiiccckkkk Toooocccck. So to help pass the time that, some day, I'll complain I don't have enough of, I figured I'd write a much delayed blog ...

Hubby and I have decided to buy a boat. Sure, probably an unpractical decision but, if you really know us then you know how much we enjoy hanging out on the water and fishing. We like to call it Couples Therapy, and I HIGHLY recommend it.

For those who know boats, we're thinking of the Stratos 486SF. (If you've heard something terrible about them, please let me know before we sink like the Titanic.) We've done a ton of research and looked at more boats than I truly have patience for, and this "fish and ski" seems like a great compromise for what we both want.

Not that we ski, but it would be nice to have a bigger boat so we can hang out on the lake, have room for company (and the little ones someday). And I wouldn't mind learning to wakeboard, though I've heard it's insanely rough on weak bodies like mine! As long as I have a cup holder for my adult beverage and plenty of room to cast, I'm set.

And I can't tell you how many city slickers tried to sell us floating pieces of rusty crap for almost the same cost of a new boat. FRUSTRATING. It doesn't take a genius to figure out that a deep gouge in the bottom of a boat isn't a good thing. Neither are live wells filled with nesting insects. Okay, so that last one is easily fixable with some pesticide and a hose, but I'm not reaching my hand in there.

For once I won't be pasty white all summer. I'll be glowing with skin cancer (but still glowing, nonetheless), cheeks kissed by the sweltering summer sun. And heck –- if I don't catch the 10lb bass of my dreams, I'll just pop a top to a new day …

The Wedding

"I dreamed of a wedding of elaborate elegance, a church filled with family and friends. I asked him what kind of a wedding he wished for, he said one that would make me his wife." ~ Author Unknown

The decision to get married in Colorado was a difficult one -- while we loved the notion of a destination-type wedding, we hated the idea of not involving friends and other loved ones. In the end, we opted for the cooler weather and (my) dream wedding in the mountains, and neither would trade it for the world.

On July 25, surrounded by close family and lush mountains, we promised to cherish and love each other for the rest of our lives. As ominous rain clouds hovered in the near distance, we shared our first kiss as husband and wife. Perfection.

17 Days

I'm starting to get ancy, unable to sit still. In 17 days, I'll no longer pull into the all-too-small parking lot here at this ol' building, driving around the half lot looking for a smidge of shade to park under.

I'll no longer have to exchange false small talk and awkward quips on the weather with the lanky guy who works downstairs. A nice guy, but my social skills aren't fully operational anytime before lunch ... or dinner. Maybe I'll run into him again at next year's Wheel of Fortune tryouts.

It's weird to feel like my life and work are entangled in one -- leading to some big changes here in the very near future. It's hard for me to grasp everything that I'm sure is to come, to test the boundaries of the connections that I've made here.

Like a wise woman said to me not so long ago, in 17 days I'll be staring at the rest of my life ...

A New Chapter

So I suppose my departure from this ol' job is now official -- it's funny how things have changed so much since I first started here. If you count the summer I interned, I've almost put two years of my life into this place.

And in those two years, I can honestly say I've grown. Now, I start a new chapter in my life. Between starting a new job, getting married, moving to a new town that's closer to Oklahoma than home -- that's a lot of changes to occur in just two months!

But I'm looking forward to it. Sometimes when I'm at work, I still feel like the college summer intern. For no reasons except my own mind associating the two. And the jeans and flip flops I wear about 60% of the workweek. It'll be an interesting change to go to a more "corporate" environment, where I'll have to re-prove myself, establish new goals, meet new people, wear stockings ...

Scary but exciting. That will be the theme for the next couple of months. I was blessed to have a wonderful job lined up before I even walked the stage at graduation. Now, it's like I'm starting from scratch -- revamping the ol' resume, dusting off the business cards, trying my hand at networking.

And I'm trying to remain focused. I still have clients to attend to and projects to finish. But it's hard not to put all my energy into the next phase of my life. It's amazing how time flies, sometimes slower than you wish it would.

Because Sometimes I Just Can't

Sometimes I just can't waltz into work like a breath of fresh floral air, ready to pounce on whatever lame or ridiculous project that lay before me, product of an outside evil with no sense of real time.

Sometimes I just can't listen to someone else’s issues because I have my own swirling through the undiscovered cave that is my mind.

Sometimes I just can't deal with the people closest to me and their melodramatic way of showing they care. Middle child syndrome can be conditioned to function in line with the rest of the world, and being an immature Mr. Clean does not give you a license to dole out relationship advice. Turn that mop inward, dammit.

Sometimes I just can't keep a straight face, not fall victim to the devil's advocate, keep comments to myself.

Life is frustrating. But even more so when you feel like a Stretch Armstrong doll in the jaws of a pack of wolves. A feeding frenzy of emotion, a roller coaster sickness, a waterfall of tears. It's an amazing thing to feel that much emotion, even for someone else. Someone else who just can't -- can't put any more heart and soul into the wee hours of the day, who just can't seem to move up the wobbly ladder, prove themselves worthy of another slap in the face.

It seems all anyone would have to do is cry uncle, throw up the tattered white flag, turn the table on the shits who put them in the dungeon in the first place. But sometimes, we just can't ...