The Wedding

"I dreamed of a wedding of elaborate elegance, a church filled with family and friends. I asked him what kind of a wedding he wished for, he said one that would make me his wife." ~ Author Unknown

The decision to get married in Colorado was a difficult one -- while we loved the notion of a destination-type wedding, we hated the idea of not involving friends and other loved ones. In the end, we opted for the cooler weather and (my) dream wedding in the mountains, and neither would trade it for the world.

On July 25, surrounded by close family and lush mountains, we promised to cherish and love each other for the rest of our lives. As ominous rain clouds hovered in the near distance, we shared our first kiss as husband and wife. Perfection.

17 Days

I'm starting to get ancy, unable to sit still. In 17 days, I'll no longer pull into the all-too-small parking lot here at this ol' building, driving around the half lot looking for a smidge of shade to park under.

I'll no longer have to exchange false small talk and awkward quips on the weather with the lanky guy who works downstairs. A nice guy, but my social skills aren't fully operational anytime before lunch ... or dinner. Maybe I'll run into him again at next year's Wheel of Fortune tryouts.

It's weird to feel like my life and work are entangled in one -- leading to some big changes here in the very near future. It's hard for me to grasp everything that I'm sure is to come, to test the boundaries of the connections that I've made here.

Like a wise woman said to me not so long ago, in 17 days I'll be staring at the rest of my life ...

A New Chapter

So I suppose my departure from this ol' job is now official -- it's funny how things have changed so much since I first started here. If you count the summer I interned, I've almost put two years of my life into this place.

And in those two years, I can honestly say I've grown. Now, I start a new chapter in my life. Between starting a new job, getting married, moving to a new town that's closer to Oklahoma than home -- that's a lot of changes to occur in just two months!

But I'm looking forward to it. Sometimes when I'm at work, I still feel like the college summer intern. For no reasons except my own mind associating the two. And the jeans and flip flops I wear about 60% of the workweek. It'll be an interesting change to go to a more "corporate" environment, where I'll have to re-prove myself, establish new goals, meet new people, wear stockings ...

Scary but exciting. That will be the theme for the next couple of months. I was blessed to have a wonderful job lined up before I even walked the stage at graduation. Now, it's like I'm starting from scratch -- revamping the ol' resume, dusting off the business cards, trying my hand at networking.

And I'm trying to remain focused. I still have clients to attend to and projects to finish. But it's hard not to put all my energy into the next phase of my life. It's amazing how time flies, sometimes slower than you wish it would.

Because Sometimes I Just Can't

Sometimes I just can't waltz into work like a breath of fresh floral air, ready to pounce on whatever lame or ridiculous project that lay before me, product of an outside evil with no sense of real time.

Sometimes I just can't listen to someone else’s issues because I have my own swirling through the undiscovered cave that is my mind.

Sometimes I just can't deal with the people closest to me and their melodramatic way of showing they care. Middle child syndrome can be conditioned to function in line with the rest of the world, and being an immature Mr. Clean does not give you a license to dole out relationship advice. Turn that mop inward, dammit.

Sometimes I just can't keep a straight face, not fall victim to the devil's advocate, keep comments to myself.

Life is frustrating. But even more so when you feel like a Stretch Armstrong doll in the jaws of a pack of wolves. A feeding frenzy of emotion, a roller coaster sickness, a waterfall of tears. It's an amazing thing to feel that much emotion, even for someone else. Someone else who just can't -- can't put any more heart and soul into the wee hours of the day, who just can't seem to move up the wobbly ladder, prove themselves worthy of another slap in the face.

It seems all anyone would have to do is cry uncle, throw up the tattered white flag, turn the table on the shits who put them in the dungeon in the first place. But sometimes, we just can't ...

A Crate & Barrel o' Fun

Because time is important and none should fall to waste, I began registering for wedding gifts online today while I had some free time at work. Or more like I didn't really feel like working so I needed something else to occupy my time.

Anyway, as I was surfing through pages of over-priced china, I began to wonder who started this almost-awkward task of listing things you want your guests to buy you because, well, you're getting married so people should feel obligated to get you stuff. It's odd really. Sure, it'd be nice for people to send flowers or whatever as congratulatory offerings, but asking someone to spend 200 bucks on china that they'll more than likely never eat off of? Seems like money could be better spent elsewhere. But where?

So as I began to delete items off the coveted Crate & Barrel registry list that I had so recklessly created, I thought about how nice it would be if weddings weren't soo complicated. If simple meant better. If well wishings equaled Platinum Line Dinnerware.

Now ladies, I too am a hopeless romantic, dreaming of the prince in white armor, fantasizing about a fairytale wedding. Picking out china and fine bed linens used to keep me awake at night with excitement. But then I learned something: anything stamped "wedding" or resembling anything wedding-like automatically ups the price at least 84.9% (a guesstimation, of course).

Even justifying buying fine china for those rare occasions when I'll be serving 8 to 10 guests formerly at the dinner table, using salad plates, dinner plates, soup bowls and the oddly-sized side bowl (and assuming I could slave away in the kitchen long enough to cook more than macaroni & cheese) was difficult:

• Serving friends = alcohol = need for non-breakable dishes
• Pizza requires no formal dinner pieces whatsoever (and hardly a napkin)
• Will the dogs care to lick scraps off china?

And just when I thought I'd actually gotten a start on something, I'm back to the drawing board. What do we really need for those, like Grandma, who won't feel right until they've sent their blessings in a beautifully wrapped package with hand-tied bow?

A Lot of Nothing

Sometimes I think I tend to set myself up for disappointment, like I want to find something to help me decide one of life's many questions. I find a clue and then I wish I never had. I think a lot of things aren't meant to be seen or read -- life's just supposed to happen, you aren't supposed to know things that happened while you weren't there. You think you want to know, but in reality I know that I don't. Some things are better left unspoken. You just have to take one's word that they're in the right place now, and that's all that matters. I can be understanding only because I know firsthand that things can be taken out of context. That everything happens for a reason, that you can only grow by living life. But I'm tired. I'm tired of dealing with shit (or the pile of crap I dwell on that gets worse the more I think about it), I'm tired of being confused, I'm tired of not knowing. I'm tired of that sick feeling in the pit of your stomach, the knot that won't unwind, cheeks wet with tears. I'm too tired to fill in the gaps, to even spell check or re-read these words to see if they make sense. Frankly, I don't care -- I'm supposed to be writing a newsletter that's due tomorrow but instead I'm dwelling on things I can't change. I'm trying to rid my system, flush out the toxic thoughts that just won't leave, that won't allow me peace ... and just when you think the knot's starting to loosen, one glance is all it takes to feel it tighten, to make the insides quiver ...

(Frost) Bite Me

"Winter is nature's way of saying, 'Up yours.'" ~ Robert Byrne

This warm(ish) weather is playing tricks on my mind. I've gotten used to the warm sun shining through the car window, eating Subway in the park, trying on shorts and tees at the mall.

Usually, I love winter. Bundling up in warm coats and fuzzy scarves, cheeks kissed pink by the winter air. Hoping for snow days, and then spending them curled up in cozy pajamas by the fireplace. And the beverage of choice for those cold winter days? Hot chocolate. With fluffy marshmallows and whipped cream, of course.

But this "winter" is different. The warm days have been quite calming, an energizing contrast to a freezing cold office. I don't want to wear the bulky coats. I don't want to mess with the little balls of fuzz my sweaters leave everywhere. I don't want to strangle myself with scarves. I don't care for anymore snow/ice/whatever it is here in Texas and I'd rather my cheeks be kissed golden by the sun.

And Jack Frost -- keep your hot chocolate. I'm holding out for an ice cold pina colada.

The Home of Rainbows

"I have always loved the beach. The smell of the salty water, the wind in my face, the gentle roar of the waves all combine to create a sense of peace and calm." ~ Anonymous

So I'm back from the beautiful garden isle of Kauai. I knew the moment the sun rose on our first day there that it was heaven on earth. I have never been to a place so beautiful, so pristine. The sights, the sounds, the smells -- not too mention the amazing food. My friends and I feasted on some of the best seafood of our lives -- wahoo, hapu'upu'u, crab cakes, crabbed stuffed mushrooms, mai tais and lava flows. My body is now going through pineapple withdraws, too.

Cruising around in my silver convertible, I witnessed rainbow upon rainbow dancing across the lush mountains. It's easy to see why natives call Kauai the home of rainbows! The island is soo free -- not too commercialized or over run by tourists. Endless beaches flow up the east side, with water bluer than the sky.

We found incredible snorkeling on the south shore, with fish of all colors and sizes swirling around us. Urchins filled the tide pools made by protruding lava rocks. And, no joke, even the wild roosters enjoy trekking across the whitesand beaches.

We found a local fishing spot on the west side of the island, Saltpond Park, where we were told was awesome snorkeling. Fifteen minutes in the chilly water, barely able to see 2 feet in front of us due to the incoming tide and setting sun, my friend and I decided we'd take their word for it. Especially when the locals began describing the types of creatures they caught out there.

The fact that we were on vacation didn't seem to phase the weather -- it rained almost everyday, though the clouds would part for awhile in the afternoon. Needless to say, the rain made our Zipline Safari Tour quite the adventure! We kayaked, hiked and ziplined in some of the worst weather possible, making it feel like we were part of the show Lost or Survivor. Our young tour guides pointed out berries and nuts that we could eat, as well as a small purple flower that tasted like mushroom.

And it was amazing the number of stars you could see at night. Thousands of tiny bright lights glowed against the dark sky -- it was simply breathtaking. The whole experience was so incredible that a few of us looked up job openings, toying with the idea of staying through the end of summer, living the life of Blue Crush. Somewhere between eating pineapple cheeseburgers and boarding the cold plane, reality set in.

And now I'm back at the office, bikini and flip flops traded in for pants and heels. Soon the tan will fade and the winter chill will once again take its toll. Ohwell, it was all nice while it lasted ...